#28 - farts.

as i try to think back into the way back & remember my first fart, i just can't. it is too far in the way back. i'm sure it was pretty early in the game though, likely shortly after birth...and it likely stank...and since i was born with messed up hips, it probably got trapped inside the cast...note to self: ask parents how i pooped as baby with cast...and when i farted as a baby, i bet at least once, my parents thought it was rather hilarious & there was much rejoicing around the apartment. people in their early 20s love farts.

one weekend a few years back i was on a road trip in massachusetts with the girlfriend at the time. at one point, we made a stop at a convenient store/gas station, where i picked up a 27.5g tabasco spiced slim jim (the better measurement is 13"...the "unlucky slim jim"). by less than 6.5" into the stick, i had no choice but to fart or sacrifice my stomach to the demons that dwelt within it. if i remember correctly, we were in a car at the time. she has a really keen sense of smell that one.

same girlfriend, different time...we were home at my parents for xmas playing lego time cruisers with friends & family. if you have ever played lego time cruisers, you know how fun it can be. if you haven't, let's just say that you will accidentally let loose an audible fart of joy at some point during the game & it will be ok. i know i did that xmas season.

#28 - farts.

snack: 27.5g tabasco spiced slim jim
drink: simply lemonade

...so tonight's late night snack with the sox game is the 27.5g tabasco spiced slim jim. the tabasco slim jim is definitely slimier than your average slim jim. it contains both beef & chicken, so i've got those food groups covered. as a kid, i used to always put a slim jim in my lunch. lord knows how i stayed so damn skinny. their website brings you to spicy town. there is a woman named insane kim there. i'm not entirely sure that she can't be clicked on. total slim jim consumed tonight = 8.5".

to contribute to the inducement of an acidic o.d. ulcer, i've picked up a late night bottle of simply lemonade to go with my late night slim jim. i'll say this for lemonade...i never had a lemonade stand, but i did play the computer game.

in conclusion, the only thing funnier than farts? poop. i know at least one female who agrees with me 100%.

ladies, i am currently available.

#9 - jamaica mon!

sorry to leave all y'all regular shawn blog reader folks in the lurch like that with no update for the last 8 days. i know you've probably been worried sick. the shawn, for reasons we will not go into in this blog, just hasn't been snackin' that much recently.

today is a different story. i hadn't seen the inside of a non-ghetto grocery store in nigh a fortnight, so i headed down to the local pathmark to regrocerize myself & pick up an evening snack to consume whilst watching the first episode of generation kill. to clarify, by non-ghetto grocery store, i mean one that has at least two non-scary types of fruits/vegetables & one where the teenage cashiers don't get smacked on the ass by the dirty old man who oversees the place. i only say so because there are approximately 63 of that variety of grocery store in my neighborhood.

although i had yet to see a minute of generation kill, i had an inkling that it probably has a distinctly international flair, what with the americans visiting the middle east storyline & all, so when i was at pathmark selecting a fitting snack-drink combo, i went straight to the aisles with the funny foreign foods. at first, i was going to go strictly goya, but to be honest, i'm a bit afraid of the malta goya beverage & the tamarind flavored soda sounded a bit sour to me.

luckily, across the aisle was the jamaican section. the first beverage i set eyes on was a bottle of dg genuine jamaican kola champagne.

i mean, look at the cat on that bottle. he makes that newbury comics dude look like a schmo. he's all "ok, mon. you have your wicked good time, poindextah. i'll just be over here in the shade of this tree with a fat one & me three lady friends sipping on kola champagne."

to pair with it, after much searching, the perfect snack leapt out at me from the freezer section...

#9 - jamaica mon!
snack: golden krust jamaican style spicy beef patties
drink: dg genuine jamaican kola champagne

...from behind the freezer doors, the box of golden krust jamaican style spicy beef patties called my name. by examining the box, i confirmed that while these patties are good for lunch or after school, they are also acceptable as an evening snack. says so right on the front. perfect...just what i need...oh & it also says that each patty contains 490 calories of spicy beef goodness, with a lot of that providing essential sodiums & fats...perfect...just what i need. as a rule, i probably eat beef once or twice a month anyhow, so i might as well go big when i do, right?

let me tell you--spicy beef patties are delicious. heart-cloggingly delicious. the jury is still out on the kola champagne soda. i found it to be akin to a cream soda, but without as much yummy cream aftertaste. i guess when you're as high as that jamaican mascot cat probably is, you can find satisfying flavor in anything...even when it bears a striking resemblance to urine.