all pumpktoberfest long, we'll be featuring guest posts from some of my favorite bloggers. to kick things off, we've got a lovely post from erica, the brains behind fucked in park slope and design blahg.
you know what i love about halloween? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
OK, well maybe the candy is kind of ok, but honestly: that's it.
i would rather get a pelvic exam than dress up in some stupid costume, halloween decorations are totally ghey, and horror movies are pretty much just all dumb. but what really confuses me about halloween is how batshit crazy everyone and their brother goes over pumpkins for the entire month of october. i mean, WTF!? there are pumpkin spice lattes at starbucks, and pumpkin whoopie pies at your local bakery, and pumpkin pies of course, and pumpkin gummy candy and pumpkin beer and pumpkin maxi-pads. i mean, i'm not sure about the last one, but based on all the other pumpkin crap, i wouldn't be surprised.
now granted: a good chunk of my bad attitude toward pumpkins stems from the fact that i think they taste completely disgusting. i know that many people disagree with me, and that's fine. but what really bugs me is the fact that pumpkin gets such ridiculously special treatment over all other fruits/vegetables (what the hell is a pumpkin anyway?? never mind...i just wikipedia'd it. it's a fruit). like why is it that when blueberry season starts in the summer, it doesn't completely overtake the food and beverage industry with blueberry cakes and candies and drinks and the like? or what about peaches? those mofos are delicious! or asparagus? nobody cares! where the eff is my peach asparagus blueberry spice latte, starbucks? WHERE?
also, have you ever stuck your hand inside a pumpkin? it's more disgusting than delivering a baby. if i ever had a kid who wanted to carve a pumpkin, i would literally hire someone to stand there and remove the pumpkin guts at the appropriate moment so that i could avoid vomiting directly on top of my child's head.
and save all of your "ok, but pumpkin seeds are deee-licious!" pleas too, cause i don't like those bitches either. i don't even understand how you eat those things. you have to crunch em, and then spit the shell out? it's like i need a goddamned instruction manual to figure this shit out. and spitting in general disgusts me, so i don't have any desire to eat a food that has the potential of spraying saliva all over myself or others.
i think all y'all need to relax about this whole pumpkin thing. it's weird, and kind of bordering on obsessive.
erica is a writer, a blogger, a teacher, a marketing director and an all-around know-it-all. she lives in brooklyn, and is obsessed with her basset hound oliver.