gamer grub and mtn dew game fuel (link)
09.08.09 - the onion a.v. club - by josh modell

you have to admit, i'm a pretty funny guy. i have to admit, if you don't, i'll feel funny, like you're not at least trying to humor me about my humor. it's not like i'll go into a corner & cry or something if you don't, but i will spend the next three hours telling jokes to myself in the mirror so that next time you see me, i'll be able to wow you with the funny. if you still don't find me funny at that point, frankly, there's nothing that i or anyone can do for you. your heart is clearly surrounded by layer upon layer of ice.

i mean, not everybody can live up to the onion's high standard of humor. case in point, their extremely funny, sort of eat!drink!snack! style article penned by josh modell that discusses the snack/drink combo of gamer grub & mtn dew game fuel. both products are aimed towards gamers & came from the idea that "ultra hardcore gamers love to be marketed to, and there was nothing that directly said, 'hey, bug-eyes. here’s some sustenance to help you play world of warcraft better, faster, and longer.'" modell notes that MOB gaming (the game grub) & pepsico (the game fuel) realized that in gamers, they had a gold mine on their hands. after all, WOW games "sell more copies than there are humans on earth, and the money they generate could power the sun." i always wondered what made the sun tick. now i know.

he sampled two different varieties of the gamer grub snack mix--pizza and pb&j--for the article. the pizza version "most assuredly does not taste like pizza" & contains crazy fictional items such as "tomato almonds" & "pizza cashews." the pb&j version "is just too damn weird," with "strawberry jelly chips and sweet bread." he even let folks around the office try the gamer grub, eliciting a pretty thumbs down sample of reactions such as "i could see a n00b eating this, but in general, it’s just a big pile of fail. pwned." ha. n00b. pwned.

as for the mtn dew, modell makes a good point about the sweetly abbreviated name--"who the fuck has the time to say 'mountain'?" not me. he tried both the red & blue flavors, but surprisingly "when you mix them together, they turn a ghastly shade of green--which makes no sense in nature." luckily, he works with scientists & one of them hypothesized that "the reason the two colors made green doesn’t actually have anything to do with the color wheel; the combination of the two actually just created nuclear waste." created nuclear waste? mtn dew is nuclear waste.